The RomancingVenus °

About a Boy

For those who know me and who constantly read my blog, you know that I don't usually post stuff about my very very personal life especially pag dating na sa puso. I guess it's just me. I just don't want to broadcast to the world kung ano nangyayari sakin. Mataas ang pride ko. I do not want to look like a weakling most especially when I know that some of my closest friends read my blog ritually.

Tsk! Dani and his kadramahan. Oops sa red lips at katangusan ng ilong.

Malamang hirap na hirap na siguro ako. It literally breaks my heart when I think of Dani and worst of all I have no one to talk to. I've cried buckets of tears cause of him. I could still remember vividly in my mind the days when I was still in the Philippines, nung mga panahon na malapit na ko umalis, nung mga panahon na despedida ko, when I handed him my gift para sa birthday nya. I also handed Dani a letter before I left reminding him to always stay strong and that I will be with him though not physically. I made him a list of a 100 things that I loved about him para hindi siya masyadong malungkot and so that he'll always be reminded of how much I loved him and how much I appreciated all the stuff he did for me and how much I cherished the times when we were together. We hugged so tight and for so long to last us a couple of years, for the years that I had to be in the states, for the time we had to be apart. We cried like there was no tomorrow. I had to leave on the 28th of March and his birthday was on April 1. It was sad as hell but we couldn't do anything about it. Even before we met alam ko nang I had to leave for the states after ko magcollege. It was just something that's inevitable. Out of the 4 of my siblings, 3 sa kanila also went thru long distance relationships so parang it was just natural for me to be in one as well.

holding on

Ironically at the beginning I was ok. America was so new to me that everything fascinated me and for a while nalimutan ko yung lungkot. At that time I even managed to convince myself that I was happy and that I was about to fulfill the so-called American Dream that my mom aspired for me. But after a few weeks time, the distance started to take its toll and I soon found myself crying to sleep. At dahil sa feeling strong ako lagi, I didn't tell anyone how sad I was, not my ate or kuya and most especially not Dani. All I know was that I missed him terribly. Namimiss ko yung lambing, yung lagi akong may kakampi, yung laging may kakulitan. I would playback in my head things that we used to do together only to find myself wanting to be with him more and wanting more to go back home to the Philippines. I was homesick 70% of the time because of him. But I couldn't do anything kundi maghintay sa ym hoping he'd go online and to check my friendster account for messages from him or my gmail for hopes of an e-mail. The messages were plenty at the start but the numbers soon declined as time passed by. He was busy. He had problems. I made up excuses in my head to justify for his actions. And like the good girlfriend that I was, I waited diligently night and day to the point that it almost reached a month before we had a chance to talk again.

hmm, parang jacket ko yan ah!

One thing that I would always remember about Dani is when he'd get mad when I would say na mas mahal ko siya kesa sa mas mahal niya ko (kinikilig naman ako dun kaya agree naman ako. haha). For him, he just simply loved me more. He wanted to take care of me because I was his baby. I was always happy just as long as we were together and I loved it when he would go out of his way for me. He would go to my dorm (in Malate) when he gets off from work kahit na pa he'd only be able to see me sa tapat ng dorm for 30 minutes because of the curfew. He would wait for me sa National Bookstore (at Rob Place) kahit pa lagi akong late whenever we'd meet up hanggang sa nabasa na niya ang buong series ng Pugad Baboy sa kakaantay. But I never heard na nagreklamo siya, not once. I would always remember how he'd smile and brighten up pag nakita na niya ko kahit na pa 4 hours na siya nagaantay. One of our past time eh magbolahan kung gano kami kaswerte sa isa't isa. And boy was I lucky! Not only was he tall dark and handsome (he's 5'11''), mabait at mahal na mahal pa niya ko. I literally couldn't ask for more.

However, the distance and all the waiting had severed our connection. Sobrang hindi kame naguusap and right now, we're on the rocks, the worst that we have ever been. It sucks big time. And sometimes nararamdaman ko na baliktad na, that I love him more than he loves me. I hate telling him things because I feel that it somehow mentally emasculates him pero minsan pakiramdam ko para na din akong sirang plaka - paulit ulit, nakakasawa at nakakarindi. Albeit, naka ear plugs siya and he just doesn't hear me out.

I want to end things. He wants to give it another try. I know that I've had enough but I love Dani, yun ang problema. Akala ko wala na kong kayang iiyak pa but after we talked sobrang namugto nanaman mata ko that it left me light headed. How we are right now is so heartbreaking most especially when I think about how happy we were nung nasa Pinas pa ko. It makes me wonder if things would be any more different if only I didn't have to leave so soon and if only I had more time to spend with him. But thinking of what-ifs is just a waste of time because we are where we are, we just have to deal with it. I know he feels that I blame everything on him but the truth is I really don't. Alam kong nahihirapan siya and I should know better because I'm on the other end of the rope. Sobrang confused na ko about what to do that I just don't want to think anymore. All the hurt has left me numb to the core. Ipagpapasa-Diyos ko na lang. Siya na ang bahala. I trust Dani when he promised that he'll make it better this time. He just has to make it good. At kahit na sumama ang loob ko ng todo I still admire him because he was humble enough to admit his mistakes and to ask forgiveness for them. I'll leave it to him now to take care of the relationship and to take care of what's left of us...

Labels: about me, dani, love

romancing perfection at 2:40:00 PM